God reaches down into my darkness
By Bill Schlipp
I first experienced a passion for discipleship on the very day of my new birth. Let me start from the beginning.
I was raised in a good home with loving parents who worked hard to provide for me and my two sisters. I grew up in the Lutheran church and attended Lutheran elementary school. Yet, despite these advantages, my sin nature was still alive and well. I started drinking alcoholically when I was 16 years old. And, though my main drug of choice was alcohol, I was not opposed to the use of other illegal drugs because they all helped me to attain my heart’s desire – to experience pleasure and avoid pain.
I believe these desires are at the heart of what it means to worship self. But as self increasingly became my priority, everyone and everything around me was ignored, and I became blind to my abusive and neglectful treatment of others and myself. Years later, finding myself in a 22-year bondage to alcohol and my sinful desires, I was awash in relational, financial and legal troubles and in anguish over my inability to change myself or my situations.
In August 1997, having landed in jail (again), I was sucker-punched by the reality of my situation. I couldn’t dismiss the reminder that, the last time I was in jail, I swore I would never end up there again. But I had made the same promise to myself the time before that, and the time before that, and, well, you know how that goes. I suddenly realized that I had no ability to change the trajectory of my life. As hard as I would try, I’d probably be in jail – and certainly in misery – again.
After being released from jail that night, in utter despair and defeat, I stopped at a liquor store, bought a large quantity of alcohol, got a hotel room, and began to drink. After a day-and-a-half of non-stop drinking, all that remained was empty bottles. I wanted more but knew I was in no condition to do anything about it. Suffering from painful cravings for more alcohol and the agony of withdrawal symptoms, I experienced a loneliness and hopelessness that was darker and more frightening than anything I had ever experienced or thought possible.
In panicked desolation, I stumbled into the bathroom and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Turning to look more closely, I was shocked at what was looking back at me. It wasn’t the man I would usually see – the one who thought he was in control of his life and could turn things around if he just tried harder. It was as if I was given a vision of what I really was, a helpless drunk whose best efforts got him to this lowest of low places. A man who was dead in his trespasses and sins. Staring back at me was a frightening image of a corpse that was literally wearing filthy rags for clothes.
As the reality of my helplessness and depravity gripped me, I caught a glimpse of another image looking at me from above. I looked up and saw what I believed to be the face of God smiling at me.
Now, remember, I’d been consuming alcohol for almost 36 hours straight, so it’s possible that the image in the mirror and from above might have been hallucinations. But something about the smiling face brought to me an immediate and profound sense of being loved and accepted, even as what I really was in my sin nature. At that moment I believed that God was revealing to me that He loved me, not only despite what I really was but also because of what I really was – a sinner in need of grace. He came to me that day, to a vile drunken sinner, and showed me that He loved me. The peace of God that surpassed all understanding had now gripped me, and the gospel message that had eluded me all my life was now a firm foundation upon which my new life would be built.
In my formative years as a young Lutheran, I had come to believe that I had to change who I was for God to love me. I now knew that the love of God, demonstrated at the cross of Christ, is what enabled me to change.
Having been given faith through the assurance of His love and the repentance that follows, I was also given a great desire to reach out to all my fellow addicts and all who suffer the loneliness and helplessness of life without Christ. I wanted them to experience the Good News of Christ’s love and forgiveness as I just had. Surely, I thought, they will accept it as easily and profoundly as I did, right? Thus, on that very day, my journey to make disciples began.
I first experienced a passion for discipleship on the very day of my new birth. Let me start from the beginning.
I was raised in a good home with loving parents who worked hard to provide for me and my two sisters. I grew up in the Lutheran church and attended Lutheran elementary school. Yet, despite these advantages, my sin nature was still alive and well. I started drinking alcoholically when I was 16 years old. And, though my main drug of choice was alcohol, I was not opposed to the use of other illegal drugs because they all helped me to attain my heart’s desire – to experience pleasure and avoid pain.
I believe these desires are at the heart of what it means to worship self. But as self increasingly became my priority, everyone and everything around me was ignored, and I became blind to my abusive and neglectful treatment of others and myself. Years later, finding myself in a 22-year bondage to alcohol and my sinful desires, I was awash in relational, financial and legal troubles and in anguish over my inability to change myself or my situations.
In August 1997, having landed in jail (again), I was sucker-punched by the reality of my situation. I couldn’t dismiss the reminder that, the last time I was in jail, I swore I would never end up there again. But I had made the same promise to myself the time before that, and the time before that, and, well, you know how that goes. I suddenly realized that I had no ability to change the trajectory of my life. As hard as I would try, I’d probably be in jail – and certainly in misery – again.
After being released from jail that night, in utter despair and defeat, I stopped at a liquor store, bought a large quantity of alcohol, got a hotel room, and began to drink. After a day-and-a-half of non-stop drinking, all that remained was empty bottles. I wanted more but knew I was in no condition to do anything about it. Suffering from painful cravings for more alcohol and the agony of withdrawal symptoms, I experienced a loneliness and hopelessness that was darker and more frightening than anything I had ever experienced or thought possible.
In panicked desolation, I stumbled into the bathroom and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Turning to look more closely, I was shocked at what was looking back at me. It wasn’t the man I would usually see – the one who thought he was in control of his life and could turn things around if he just tried harder. It was as if I was given a vision of what I really was, a helpless drunk whose best efforts got him to this lowest of low places. A man who was dead in his trespasses and sins. Staring back at me was a frightening image of a corpse that was literally wearing filthy rags for clothes.
As the reality of my helplessness and depravity gripped me, I caught a glimpse of another image looking at me from above. I looked up and saw what I believed to be the face of God smiling at me.
Now, remember, I’d been consuming alcohol for almost 36 hours straight, so it’s possible that the image in the mirror and from above might have been hallucinations. But something about the smiling face brought to me an immediate and profound sense of being loved and accepted, even as what I really was in my sin nature. At that moment I believed that God was revealing to me that He loved me, not only despite what I really was but also because of what I really was – a sinner in need of grace. He came to me that day, to a vile drunken sinner, and showed me that He loved me. The peace of God that surpassed all understanding had now gripped me, and the gospel message that had eluded me all my life was now a firm foundation upon which my new life would be built.
In my formative years as a young Lutheran, I had come to believe that I had to change who I was for God to love me. I now knew that the love of God, demonstrated at the cross of Christ, is what enabled me to change.
Having been given faith through the assurance of His love and the repentance that follows, I was also given a great desire to reach out to all my fellow addicts and all who suffer the loneliness and helplessness of life without Christ. I wanted them to experience the Good News of Christ’s love and forgiveness as I just had. Surely, I thought, they will accept it as easily and profoundly as I did, right? Thus, on that very day, my journey to make disciples began.
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TY for sharing your amazing testimony! I lift you, Judy & FGR up in prayer always. God bless you!